i know many of you may think 'oh well she's too young to think such a thing' but i don't give a damn. I honestly think that my life is going into a downward spiral. Every family member i ever cared about is dying or dead or has been murdered this year. or at least half by my count. and trust me i am keeping score. Ever since my grandmother found out about my sexuality, and told everyone in my family, i think they are discussing excommunicating me, if that is legal. My lizard turtle and scorpion are dead. Atleast I still have my shark. I am starting to question this whole catholisism thing. Actually I am starting to doubt all existance all together. I think that's called nihilism. I am pretty sure I'm falling back into my old emotism habits with the smoking and darkness and emptiness. I have stopped cutting myself though. My ex told me that's goth if you do not cut yourself but i dunno. I have been a whole less passionate in my actions.
Though I have been sneaking out lately. That of course will never change. But it's only for tuesday and thursday across the street on river street for drag night. Drag queens are super nice and frinedly. They also know how to apply make-up really well. I met this one goth queen named "Miss Fire". She had the prettiest make up. I wanted to draw her so bad but i didn't mind to bring my sketching book with me.
I've noticed that i have been wearing a lot of my brothers handme downs from when he was a high school goth. But that's mainly because I'm finally growing outta the clothing that i've had since seventh grade. so yeah. guess that's not all that bad.
I'm thinking about moving with my old caretaker to... well you don't need to know that.
OH! And I am tired of doing this stupid southern accent so i can blend in! YES! you hear me?! fuck it! I hate this damn facade. IT fuckin hurts my jaw. i don't care if the other assholes and butt pipes of the world mock me for it! Fuck it. for hear on in I am speaking with my normal and natural accent. but I guess i cant do that till i get back to america thursday.
anyways. i gotta go.